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Group Marriage Quiz

It seems that people are in love with quizzes to get a numerical score to quantify life experience and choices. With that in mind, in my infinite kindness and generosity, I have come up with a quiz to help you ascertain what path your life should take as far as your marriage choices. Eventually, this will have a JavaScript scoring method, but for now, just write out a list of 1-10 and keep track of each answer of A-D.

  1. How do you like your sandwiches made?
    1. Two slices of bread, edible stuff in the center and I am happy to have food.

    2. I have a preference for mayo or mustard

    3. I have a preference for mayo or mustard and will go hungry rather than eat the wrong spread.

    4. The bread must be crustless, all spreadable materials must go to the edge of the bread without running over, and the sandwich must be cut diagonally or my day is ruined and it is proof that the Sandwich Maker does not respect me.

  2. It is three in the morning and you have stumbled to the bathroom. You pee and wash your hands (You do wash your hands, don't you?) and go to dry them when you notice that there are no towels on the towel rack. You:
    1. Shake your hands free of excess water, peek around to see if there are clean towels within easy reach. Upon noticing that there are none, you sneak to the linen closet, go hang up clean towels, while making a mental note to discuss this when the family is next together.

    2. Shake your hands free of excess water, peek around to see if there are clean towels within easy reach. Upon noticing that there are none, you climb back in bed, wipe your hands on the bedspread (they're clean, after all), while making a mental note to discuss the matter over breakfast before you'll let anyone have any coffee.

    3. Note that you happen to be sleeping with the person who is most likely to commit a Towel Offense, re-wash your hands in very COLD water, neglect to shake off excess drops and climb into bed being sure to put your hands in a sensitive but non-erogenous spot. When the spouse awakes, give sarcastic thanks for hanging up the towel.

    4. Scream, "Where in the hell are the goddamed towels?" while stomping to the linen closet and turning on bright lights as you go. The next morning, hide the coffee until you get promises of more appropriate behavior from the entire household. If you do not get them, you know it is proof that they are Out To Get You or do not realize the importance of towels in The Great Scheme of Things. You will sulk for at least a week and answer any overture in monosyllables.

  3. You plan an outing for the entire family. Everyone is looking forward to it, but on the morning before the outing, one of your spice gets a call to go into work that day, which is supposed to be a day off. You:
    1. Sigh in annoyance, kiss said spouse and express sorrow that this will not be for everyone, then go on the outing anyway and try to have a good time.

    2. Demand to know why this spouse is always the one being called in to work, insinuate without quite saying so that the spouse is being passive aggressive and really doesn't want to spend time with the rest of the family, then go on the outing anyway and have "fun" as a "screw you".

    3. Demand to know why this spouse is always the one being called in to work, insinuate without quite saying so that the spouse is being passive agressive and really doesn't want to spend time with the rest of the family, then go on the outing and sulk the entire time.

    4. Demand to know why this spouse is always the one being called in to work, insist that the spouse not show, blatently state that the spouse being passive agressive and really doesn't want to spend time with the rest of the family, then cancel the outing and spend the entire day fussing at your other spice for the working one's behavior. If they really loved you and considered the family important, they would have joined you in insisting that the working spouse stay home.

  4. You bought a new car before you joined the group marriage. It is the first really nice car you have owned. One snowy day, one of your spice, in an attempt to be kind, uses a shovel to get the snow off your car, scoring the paint. You:
    1. Gently explain that a nice nylon broom is really better for the paint job, get some scratch remover and use the time buffing out the scratches with your spouse as "quality time".

    2. Take a deep breath, ask your spouse if he has lost his mind, buy some scratch remover, explain its use and watch TV while your spouse buffs out the scratches.

    3. Call the spouse an idiot, demand that the scratches be fixed and get very huffy when the spouse doesn't buff out the scratches correctly.

    4. Call the spouse an idiot, insist that said spouse get a part time job to afford to have the entire car repainted and refuse to allow your spouse within fifty feet of the car.

  5. You have a spouse that is a "reteller" (someone who will repeat and refine the same damned story a thousand times). Your spouse starts to retell yet another story. You:
    1. Smile quietly to yourself and entertain yourself by trying to spot changes in the story that make it more dramatic than the last time.

    2. Start reciting the periodic table in your mind until over and over the story is done.

    3. Start reciting the story along with your spouse. Act surprised when said spouse becomes offended.

    4. Demand to know if said spouse is capable of saying anything original. Start keeping a database of each instance in which a story is retold and present the tabluated results to your spouse on a regular basis with demands of why you married such an idiot.

  6. Spouse A has expressed a desire to sleep with Spouse B tonight. You wanted to sleep with Spouse B, yourself and no-one seems to want to sleep in a group this night. You:
    1. Just smile. You're plenty happy to sleep with Spouse C and you'll be able to sleep with Spouse B another night.

    2. Politely ask that the sleeping arrangements be reconsidered.

    3. Go to sleep with Spouse C, but when you get to bed, roll the blankets into the Human Burrito and refuse to speak to Spouse C all night.

    4. Scream, "No, I don't want to sleep with Spouse C!" and get annoyed when all your spice seem hurt. Sulk until overtures are made.

  7. It's your turn to cook dinner and you really don't want to. You:
    1. Cook anyway. Everyone has to do things they don't like to from time to time, and it's important for everyone to pull his own weight.

    2. Ask if anyone is willing to be sous-chef and help out. Dinner will be done faster and won't be as much work.

    3. Say you'll cook dinner, then disappear until someone else gets so hungry they just cook. (You have a small snack before disappearing so you won't be the one that gets too hungry).

    4. Start cooking. Burn yourself and announce loudly how much you hate too cook. Insist that if your spice really loved you, they'd know how much you hated cooking and wouldn't insist that you do so even though you are one of the better cooks in the house.

  8. It is time to pick out a movie. You detest campy comedies. Your other spice have agreed on "Austin Powers". You:
    1. Tolerate it. You get to be with your spice, and it's family time, after all.

    2. Tolerate it, but make a note to push your tastes through the next time.

    3. Watch the movie, but make a game of annoucing plot inconsistencies, bad acting and poor scriptwriting.

    4. Refuse to watch the movie and discuss the deterioration of quality cinema and the effects on the collective human IQ. Insist that your spice are trying to drive you away by becoming stupid.

  9. The children have decided that "divide and conquer" is the best way to get their own way. They attempt to play the spice against each other. You:
    1. Consult with all your spice and stick to the consensus. A united front is crucial to good parenting.

    2. Find out what the other spice said. You stick the the decision, but fuss about it. You want to present a united front, but you don't think that they're using their brains here.

    3. You refuse to become involved. You tell the children to go ask the other parent.

    4. You find out what the kids want to do, then rule in their favor, because you want to be seen as the good guy. Become indigant when there are complaints of countermanding. Surely your spice must understand how important it is for the children to like you!

  10. You have spice that spend too much time on the Internet. You:
    1. Don't complain and read quietly until they are done. Given your own Internet addiction, it would be hypocritical to do otherwise.

    2. Ask for a specific time limit. You want to spend time with your spice.

    3. Insist that you have a very important project to get done. Take over the computer, then write an Internet quiz for your site.

    4. Play a tape that has a thunderstorm effect, then trip the circuit breaker and announce that the power must be out. Do not restore power until it's time to watch your favorite television show.

And this is your total:

If you scored:

10 -- I can only assume you are a John Norman fan and aspire to be a Kajira. Email me. I might have a position for you.

11 -- 19 You're fairly easy going and do okay in a group. Asserting yourself from time to time doesn't hurt and keeps you from getting resentful.

20 -- 28 You're probably not going to have the easiest or most peaceful time of things, but you should do okay. Just remember you do sometimes have to bend.

29 -- 35 Look, ease up! Comprimise is important in a relationship. While your assertiveness is great, remember it's important to temper it.

36 -- 40 You'd better go find a bunch of people who scored ten. It's your only hope at a group marriage. No, don't email me. I don't want to know you.

Here is a printable version of the quiz. I was emailed and asked if it could be used in a poly meeting. Make sure you print the whole thing, including credit and all that, please. I don't mind giving it away for free, but am fairly vain.

A portrait of the Goddess of Java rendered by the Goddess of Giggle

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